On Self-Care vs. Self-Respect
I’m currently embarking on building the home-studio of my dreams. 6 months ago it would never have entered my mind that I could do this, even though my partner has been suggesting I convert our dining room for years. The catch was, it’s an open room and with 6 cats, it needs to be HERMETICALLY SEALED. Renovations would be required.
The time and money needed felt like waaaay too much when I simply should be able to function in my current space, even though I've been barely tolerating it.
So what changed? I accidentally developed self-respect by failing very very hard at self-care.
The idea of self-care always kinda irked me, as if the words themselves had dissolved into the festering shit-pile of capitalism. I mean, as if a fucking cinnamon candle is going to ease the crushing weight of the modern world as it feverishly works to extract more and more and more from us.
But, as with damn near everything, I was determined to try because that's what everyone seemed to be going on about and what hell did I know about caring for myself anyway? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
But, after doing 'the self-care' I was always left thinking: “What the hell is everyone doing in their bubble baths and journals and on their morning walks? Can't they hear their own damn screams? Are they not plagued by the paralyzing confusion of being alive? Am I insane or are they delusional?"
After a while, I noticed that those who practice true self-care (and not the delusional kind) have something that’s often left out of the conversation: self-respect.
I'd wager many of us lack this. Capitalism after-all doesn't want us to respect ourselves! If we did, there's no way we'd put up with this level of suffocating bullshit. It just wants us to buy another bloody bath-bomb and get back to work - so it's no wonder self-care can feel utterly delusional, it usually is.
Caring for myself felt like going into battle. The breaking point was finally accepting I had chronic pain - a horrible gift that forced me to put down my sword and try softer (not harder) to take care of myself. And guess who was hiding in that space? Self-respect.
It was very sneaky. At first I was so desperate all I could do was surrender to my body because we were at such odds with each other. I didn't trust them and they sure as hell DID NOT trust me. Which was fair, I'd not given them much reason to.
My 'trying softer' strategy was simple: Less Brain, more Body. I needed to trick Brain though, so I'd roll out of bed every morning, before it was fully awake, and onto my yoga mat. I wanted to send a clear message to Body: “What would you like to do this morning? You do matter I promise".
Weeks passed and I noticed it wasn't surrender I was developing, it was respect. I didn't even need to trick brain anymore, they were 100% on board.
Then, I started to respect ME! And holy fucking shit balls I had no idea what that would mean. All of a sudden I started doing things like going to bed when I was tired rather than when I felt like I’d done enough.
And then came caring about my surroundings. I “splurged” on some laughably basic stuff, like a proper towel hook. Yeah that’s right, fuck your scented candles I have a TOWEL HOOK! (Look, I’m not bashing candles, I love a good candle. I’m bashing capitalism for co-opting them into its' foul little game).
And now, I find myself wanting to design a creative space I WANT TO CREATE IN. Like duh....of course I deserve, even NEED, a space that inspires me to MAKE ART.
The deeper I venture into self-respect the more I realize that self-care is just the pretty front cover - the external things you see people DO, but without self-respect underneath, they can feel completely meaningless and downright exhausting.
If, like me, you find self-care hard/weird/fake, or like you're following a script you've been handed, I strongly suggest trying softer, and exploring self-respect.
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